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I’m not okay

Hello Readers!

So I don’t even know how to start this post. It has been awhile since I have written a post and I haven’t been reading that much at all, except for the last week. The main reason for this is, I’m not okay, I’m not doing great and every day is a struggle for me to get through (at least that is how I feel right now).

So let me give you some context to my situation. For those of you who have been with me for over a year, know that in April 2017 I have been diagnosed with depression. I went through the most dreadful time of my life so far, and I had to start medication and therapy to be able to function again. This all went very well and I actually followed two routes of therapy. One for my depression and one for something that happened in the past. I was doing wonderful when I was done with those routes, I was working and feeling like my old self again. So my general practitioner and I decided to stop my medication. In the next I slowly deceased in the amount of medication I was taking until I came to 0 mg. And the month after that went just fine.

Then I started college again, and this is where it goes downhill. For college I have to do an internship and a research, in a week I am supposed to dedicate 20 hours to each. My internship is in home care so the main time periods you will give care are in the morning and evening, which means most of the days I will be making only 4 hours a day or I will be working and morning and evening to cover 8 hours. Normally with 20 hours for my internship I would work 20 hours, nothing more and nothing less. But I have been working more, period.

I don’t really want to talk bad about my internship but it comes down to I’m really not enjoying my time there. I have to drive a lot to get from one client to another which always results in me getting to hear ‘oh, you’re later than I expected’, because clients can see on a portal who will come and when they will come. With that I don’t really feel a connection with the clients, a lot of them are complaining or overall negative, and there are some I really enjoy coming but those are only a handful of people and I don’t come there every day.

This combined with the stress of doing my research and making sure I take enough time for that, the symptoms of my depression are starting to show again. I don’t enjoy doing anything I do in a day, I dread every time I have to work and it feels like working and not an internship.

So the moment I noticed things were going wrong again, all the alarm bells went off in my head and I take action. I made an appointment with my general practitioner, told my college teachers who are involved in my process and I told my supervisor.

So right now I am planning to ask for extension for my research at school, so I can still do the topic I have been working on. Because even though I told my internship that I wasn’t doing well and they were overall understanding, I don’t feel like they are doing much to help me. I have weeks where I have only one day of and sometimes they even plan meetings on those days. This is also partially my fault, since I don’t really know how to say that it is too much. The place I do my internship at, has staff shortage, so everyone is working at their fullest. Which also means that people get sick, so every two weeks or so, we have someone who is sick. I have asked once before to take down some shifts, because it was too much, but they didn’t really do anything with it. With that I failed my intermediate evaluation, so that sucks as well.

So overall, nothing is going well and I don’t know what to do. I really want to complete this internship, but at the same time I really want to quit, but that means I have to do my internship somewhere else all over again. And I don’t know how to make my internship fun again. I’m at loss.

So this past week I have forced myself to do things I once enjoyed to bring back the joy in my life. So I have been reading again. I force myself to read every evening before bed around 100 pages, and I listen to audiobooks when I am drive during work. That has been working so far. With reading I really want to bring back two things I enjoyed doing as well: blogging and making YouTube videos. I don’t have any ideas of what I exactly want to do, but I know that I want to put those things up again. With I really would like to get back into bullet journaling, to organize my days and the mess which I call my brain. I hope doing that again will bring some less stress in my life. And I might consider starting medication again if things aren’t getting better with my mood, because I am not functioning or living right now, I am surviving.

Sorry about everything I said with no structure at all. But I really needed to get it off my chest. And I hope that I will start blogging again and that it will bring back the joy I once felt for it.

Are there any posts you would like to see from me? Or maybe YouTube video ideas, if you also watch BookTube?

Thank you for reading this and taking your time to let me vent about my life.

8 thoughts on “I’m not okay

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles! Have you checked if your college has any student councelor’s or ombudsman or something? I don’t know your system but in my experience there are sometimes support structures which not everyone are aware of (and which your teachers might not necessarily think of either). Perhaps you college could arrange a better structure for you at your internship for example, if the place where you intern is not really listening to you? Anyeway, I hope things will start improving soon, take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the suggestion, I will start looking into it, but first I just really want to work it out with them and the teacher who sort guides my internship. My college will probably have something like that. Thank you for thinking with me and your kind words!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m really sorry Debbie 😦 Maybe when you start blogging/youtubing/journaling again it will give you some happiness even if everything else is a lot of pressure and overall bad? I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug and tell you that you’re doing great. We all have bad times, but unfortunately your depression makes these bad times 5x worse. I send you my love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I also wish I could go through the screen and hug you 🤗
      I do hope that by doing these things I will bring back joy in my days, so I am working towards that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Never be afraid to ask for extra time. I was forced to take an extra six months on my thesis by my adviser and my thesis committee — they’d noticed I was falling too far behind, a result of me being sick with bronchitus/pneumonia for six weeks and being unable to do anything more than go to my fast food job and then come home and sleep (I couldn’t afford to take any time off). I cried a lot in that meeting, feeling like a failure, but I defended my thesis successfully just two weeks ago. It’s amazing what some extra time can do for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for it, especially if your research lead is someone you know very well.
    And good luck. It will get better. I can’t promise you when or how much, but it will.

    Liked by 1 person

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